What do you want to be when you grow up? Great question, but I’m finally close to being exactly what I always hoped I could be.
I spent too much time permitting the expectations, hopes, and dreams of others to outweigh the importance of my own. My scales were unbalanced. I sought after work to yield financial success without consideration for what was truly aligned with who I am—who I’ve always been.
I’ve never been a natural; all I do is try, try, try Taylor Swift laments in her song Mirrorball, putting words to my feelings. Why was I trying so hard? Why was I never feeling good enough or fulfilled?
Clock Into Work Clock Out of Life
It turns out that when you work in the corporate world, making decisions based on vibes is unacceptable. You need data. You need proof, arguments for why something will work, and evidence that it won’t fail simply for permission. I hated that. I loved being successful and creating wins but was often left empty by the pursuit.
Following the commands and structure of the corporate world carved out my center, emptying me of my personal ambitions and bright spirit. I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I could only make money or be worthy of love, admiration, and success if I had a big paycheck to back me up.
While the money was great, I consistently felt like a fish out of water, seeking comfort among inhospitable environments and misaligned acquaintances. I was unable to be my entire self, stifled by the expectation of numbers over the value of the actual people. I didn’t like the feeling of only being valuable because I could boost numbers. It has never been who I am.
I was depressed, anxious, navigating life with no self-trust or self-assurance, and devoid of intuitive pull. I lost myself completely. My lowest points were the long seasons when I denied my intuition and didn’t answer my spiritual calling.
I begged the universe for a sign or an answer to fix the persistent darkness.
Spirit answered. I was laid off, and the choice was made for me, the corporate world left behind. It took me a moment to accept it. After applying to more than 100 jobs, the obviousness of my new path became undeniable.
Shannon Speaks with Spirits
As a child, I spoke to deceased ancestors, and at sleepovers at friends’ homes, I witnessed their departed roaming their halls and sitting patiently, watching their families thrive in their lives. I saw spirits in museums, in theaters, and in the wild. As I grew older, I became fearful of this natural ability to consort with the departed and my ability to connect with the divine during worship.
I attended Catholic masses to understand the mechanisms of my experiences, searching for answers on why Spirit anointed me with this, but no one else around me. It excited and betrayed me, with the people closest to me consistently rejecting me and my gift. I dreamed of becoming a priest. It meant my abilities would be supported by the community and earn financial stability, which was an impossible feat from where I sat.
Sometimes, my gifts make me feel like I’m living two lives: in the land of the living and the universe of Spirit. I often feel alone in the physical world, never entirely fitting into one particular place or group, and at home in Spirit, a tenant of an Aquarian, I suppose, and not uncommon in the spiritual community.
What do you do when the world tells you you can’t or shouldn’t pursue your calling, but your soul disagrees?
You do it anyway.
Confronting my Calling
There is nothing else for me—only this work. Connections with the divine, ancestors, and community illuminate a dark world and breed hope among hopelessness.
Taking the risk to put myself out there, being vulnerable, and answering Spirit’s call is the only path that makes me feel whole. The days I neglect my practice or reject channels or calls to the divine are when I feel most lost at sea. It’s not just a gift; it’s part of who I am. It’s woven into my spirit.
A life of spiritual connection is challenging and requires discipline. It involves constantly evaluating your life, personality, the people you surround yourself with, and how you align with them. The beauty of this revelation is that it is universal. It applies to everyone.
It takes a bold person to say, “I don’t want this to affect me like this any longer,” and disconnect from familiarity, even when those people, places, or things don’t always make us feel our best. Our inability to remove or let things go is usurped by our fears of losing support and profound rejection from people we thought loved us. I’m no longer uncomfortable with that.
Energy flows where it goes. It took too long to acknowledge where my energy went didn’t flow. I was too preoccupied with filling other’s cups and fogged my intuition.
I’m no longer scared of rejection. I’ll always land on my feet.
My Many Truths
This work has demanded my attention. It has asked me to accept that I don’t need to be understood. It has taught me that love isn’t earned through external accomplishments and that soft, loving energy is infectious and something others seek in themselves. Our heart center is magnetic.
Of course, I deserve to be understood, but not at the cost of my self-worth. I no longer desperately seek approval and understanding from others. I know those who choose to love and understand me will continue to do so, and that’s enough.
There is nothing else for me. My business will thrive, tending to a rich garden sown with seeds over a lifetime, eager to yield new beauty. It has always been only this. It’s only now that I can say it proudly with celebration in my heart.
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