Reflections of an almost 37-year-old
Birthdays rule. I love celebrating it all. It's basically a mini holiday, and it's all in my favor. I recently learned I was born under a full moon, which seems too on the nose as a witchy spiritual practitioner.
Like everyone, I’m complicated and often oscillate between loving and loathing my birthday, battling my complex feelings about winter, living up to expectations, and consistently believing it’s my year, only to find out it’s not.
The excitement and confidence of my 37th year is different. I earned this birthday and intend to celebrate filled with genuine joy.
Surprise, It’s a Layoff!
My 36th year began with a whimper. I was laid off from my highest-paid job in the worst job market in some time. By my birthday, I applied to more than 50 jobs, only to be met with silence, auto-reject emails, and a sadly organized spreadsheet devoid of good news. Happy birthday, I guess?
My self-esteem was low. What was I going to do? I had no job and no will to return to corporate life. My Tower collapsed for the first time that year.
The season's rhythm fell into deep spiritual practice now that I had the time and energy to build my confidence in my abilities.
Hekate is comfortable in the shadows and in the dark night of the soul. She reveals the ugliest truths about yourself, exposes your patterns, and dares you to fix them—in my case, the insecure patterns I was engaging in. I was on a carousel of the never-ending feeling that I would never be successful, and because I lost my job, I didn’t deserve good things. I resigned to it because I was 36, and that’s life, I guess!
I was overwhelmed with the shame of failure and wrestled with my self-worth. Was I bad at being a woman because I was disinterested in becoming a mother with no will to maintain a high-paying corporate job? Was I ever going to succeed and feel aligned with who I am? Am I a mooch?
What’s worse, I could confidently reassure other people with similar ruminations that they were unquestionably valuable and wonderful because their profession didn’t define them. Still, I was unwilling to offer myself the same supportive compassion.
As the corporate fog cleared and I navigated this new road, it became clear that I wasn’t as self-aware as I once believed. Could I be genuinely self-aware if my only focus was my shortcomings?
Mysterious as the Dark Side of the Moon
Hekate is the goddess of witchcraft, the moon, ghosts, and magic. She is a powerful, nurturing goddess who embodies the energy of how you envision yourself. She is light in the dark, fierce, kind, and nurturing, with a gentle feminine spirit. And she activates your whole self through dark underworld exploration.
Hekate brought me back to the crossroads of my life and asked me to choose again.
The Star Follows the Tower
After The Tower falls in the Major Arcana of the tarot comes the Star. I’m obsessed with this card representing Aquarians like me. It’s hopeful and representative of divine connection and intuition, our cosmos, star power, and personal power—the As Above So Below of it all.
I was ready to clear the rubble of my formerly stable tower, piled high with cynicism, self-loathing, imposter syndrome, and the fear of failure to build a strong foundation of celebration, joy, creation, divine connection, and curiosity.
The divine, while supportive, finds our earthly insecurities to be an unsuccessful pursuit. They love it when we dissolve our relationship with external validation to do whatever we want. (as long as we don’t harm ourselves or others.) Doing this work gave me the permission I was looking for to just fucking go for it because no matter what, I’ll figure it out and land on my feet. I survived the self-trust fall.
All of our ancestors were human and repeatedly made mistakes. It was much worse for them in some cases. Could you imagine getting a cut as a Dickensian street urchin? You’re baiting death at that point. I think I can handle a little professional rejection.
At the time, the layoff felt like a slap in the face. My aspirations, corporate experience, and professional risks felt like they were for nothing. I eventually became comfortable with the idea that the corporate structure that once supported me was no longer structurally sound.
I wouldn’t claim 36 as the best year of my life, but I wouldn’t have gained this much-needed perspective without it. Such is life.
Next week, I’ll breeze into 37, wearing Boutique Moschino and sipping Mezcal Manhattans, unconcerned with controlling the trajectory of the future.

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